Bugs Running and Daffy 'Deck
by Me
Summary: The latest holodeck mishaps are too wacky to believe. But what's the cause? A Duck Amuck story, if you know what I mean. If you don't now, you will. :-


Bugs Running and a Daffy Deck (or, "That's All Folks") 

Editors' note: After the episode "Spirit Folk" I said I'd been hoping for something, because of the promo which featured a woman turning into a cow, that crossed a Leslie Nielsen picture with a certain Daffy Duck cartoon. Well, here's the type of thing this show should have done, if they want to do holostuffgone kerflewie. As for which cartoon...well, you'll see. Yeah, if this were a show it would have to be longer, though this might be a good last scene, but I'm sure we can all think of things to add.) 

Janeway sighed heavily as she and seveal other crew members relaxed in Leonardo Da Vinci's studio. "So, this is where you go to think," mused Ensign Kim. 

"Yes, and Mr. Da Vnici and I love to chat. He is such a dreamer, just like me...here he comes now." She pauses for a second - it is a Leonardo, but not Da Vinci. 

"You've made him much more good looking," noted Kim. 

"That's not..." She stood up. "Who are you?" 

"Quick, to the lifeboats, fast!" shouted Leonardo Di Caprio. 

"Oh, no," shouted Tom Paris, "I recognize him from the movie Titanic - the computer programs must have merged!" He motioned the others to follow him. "Just in case the safety protocols are off line again!" 

The crew began running, and suddenly find themselves running through Fair Haven, Ireland, where they had been a short time before. Ensign Kim pauses a moment to look at his sweetheart. "Aren't you coming?" 

"No, my place is...Mooooo!" She had changed into a cow. 

"There's a cow on the ship!" shouted DiCaprio. "What'll we do?" 

Suddenly Neelix comes walking onto the scene carrying a butcher's knife. "Steak and eggs, anyone?" 

Paris scratched his head. "I see the steak, but where do the eggs come from?" 

Neelix pulled out a chicken from behind his back. "Why, from the chick..." It suddenly lost its chicken face and got a pigs face, after which it made a loud "oink!" 

Seven and Naomi came walking onto the holodeck and took the pig/chicken. "Now we can have green eggs and ham," noted Seven. 

Naomi put her hands on her hips as Seven walked away. "I would not eat them in the Alpha Quadrant, I would not eat them with deoderant. I do not like them, Seven I Am, I do not like green eggs and ham." She then walked off after Seven, vanishing into thin air. 

"What was that all about?" Janeway looked to see Neelix had turned into a large tomato, and Leonardo DiCaprio into a large cucumber. 

"If you like to talk to tomatoes," the two began singing. 

As Kim and Paris were bursting out laughing, Chakotay giggled. "This is getting to much for me, we need to check the program." He began walking in the direction he thought the exit would be. "Computer, end program." The entire ground and everything in front of him disappeared into thin air, and Chakotay found himself walking on nothing. After a few steps he glanced down at the bridge, several stories below him. "Aaaaa" he yelled as he fell. Luckily, a giant hand caught him and let him down gently. It then beckoned the others to hop on, and lowered them down, too, leaving the singing tomato and cucumber on top. 

"Safety protocols are still on," noted the computer. 

"We can see that," came the thankful captain. "Please let us out of this program." The turbolift doors opened, and revealed the exterior of the holodeck. The group left. "Phew, somebody needs to check that program - when it runs all the time, strange things happen." They made their way to the bridge. Junior officers were relieved, and Janeway ordered her group to continue their course. 

Torres appeared on the bridge. She ran for Tom, but missed him completely as she lunged to hug him and fell to the floor. "Oh, Tom," she mused, "I was so scared, I heard the safeties were messed up." They embraced. 

"It's all right, they were still on...but in a weird way. I'm surprised I never thought of that joke, though," he admitted. 

"An unknown planet is ahead." Suddenly, the planet on the viewscreen turned into a giant head. 

Janeway recongized the head as that of Captain James T. Kirk. "Computer, where am I?" she shouted suddenly. 

"You are on the bridge of the USS Voyager." 

"I wonder how much Shatner's getting paid for this," wondered B'Ellana. Suddenly, the head let out a scream. Its toupee had flown off. "Whatever it is, it isn't enough." 

Tuvok explained with a straight face (!) "if we maintain our present course, we will be sucked up Captain Kirk's nostrils when he inhales." 

"How did you figure that, there's no air in space, he can't breathe," noted Chakotay 

Paris shook his head. "Wasn't he out in space for about an hour in...what's the name of that episode, the one with the ships that were making that web around the Enterprise?" 

"I'm not sure," noted Janeway, "but Mr. Tuvok, I believe you are a hologram, not even a Vulcan could have delivered *that* line with a straight face." 

Tuvok suddenly turned into Bugs Bunny. "Aw, you been peekin'." He then vanished. 

Janeway shook her head as she asked the computer to locate Tuvok. "Lt. Tuvok is in his quarters." 

"Well, signal him, he's late for duty." The ship having altered course, they continued to sail along when Tuvok appeared. "Mr. Tuvok, you'll never guess..." 

"I believe I can. This ship has been hacked into by computer nerds from Outer Andromeda IV, a star system we passed a day ago. Only the sensors were effected, but they were caused to emit some very strange readings. We are attempting to get them fixed." 

Janeway sank into her chair with an obvious headache after all the strange goings on. "Very well, just let me know when..." She had closed her eyes for a split second. When she opened them, she and the others on the bridge were wearing pink leotards and sitting on the wing of a B-17 Bomber flying over Europe. 

"Flak," came Seven's voice over the intercom, "watch out for flak." 

Suddenly, all but she and Chakotay were dancing a ballet number while balancing on the wing of the plane! Music from "The Nutcracker" played from somewhere. 

"I must admit to liking this particular ballet," remarked Chakotay as he walked over to the window of the plane, "but I wish we could..." He and Janeway became more frazzled as Ensign Kim bounced off her, lost his balance, and fell down into the countryside below. 

"Go, go, gadget arms" they heard him holler, and suddenly a large spring separated his wrist from his arm, and his hand flew up and caught on the side of the plane. Kim, now in a Cleveland Indians baseball uniform, sprung back up and hopped onto the wing. They looked up, and the plane was not flying through clear blue sky over Europe anymore, but was apparently only several inches tall, as it flew past the scoreboard at a baseball stadium. The plane flew into one of the holes int he manually operated scorebuard, and dumpbed Chakotay and a breathless Janeway into a large meadow, with a white rabbit running past them. He asked them the time. "Oooh, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late," it hollered as it ran onward. 

"What was..." She turned to see that instead of Chakotay, there was now a large sabre toothed tiger next to her - but it was still wearing a tutu. A tree suddenly appeared, and she climbed up it just as the tiger was ready to pounce. 

Breathless, Jnaeway looked around. She couldn't believe all the zany stuff which had just occurred. "All right," she spoke for whomever there was to hear, "listen, whoever you are, we surrender. I surrender. Just tell me what you want, and who's resopnsible for this!" 

The last scene is of Naomi, hard at work at the computer console. She turns to face the TV screen. "I know, I'm a little stinker. But, I just wanna have some fun on this ship." 


End file.
